Please Take Your Seats. The Emperor’s Lecture Is About To Begin
(Yes, he’s naked… best not to mention it.)
HELLO, and welcome to today’s political moment: “How To Spin Hypocrisy So Hard It Pulls a Muscle,” shamelessly sponsored by the Trump/Vance campaign and their MAGA pundits and politicians, offering irony-free duplicity in easy-to-share memes and slogans so you, too, can be a lying, hate-fomenting bigot while venting your ire, pointing your finger, and parroting assigned talking points meant to distract, deflect, and deny responsibility for the exact things you’re blaming, venting, and deflecting about.
We know it can be a tricky maneuver, spinning at that level of perfidiousness and deceit. Not everyone has our dear leader’s lifetime of experience at lying and dissembling with such bold-faced sociopathy that a saint could be convinced he’s the devil. We do understand that, despite your devotion to his mission, despite skills you may have honed while storming the Capitol, attacking people at voting centers, or burning your Taylor Swift records, there will be lots of inconvenient truths thrown at you willy-nilly by those who claim to “have receipts,” or idiotic videos meant to contradict our arguments, or so-called “proof” that when we “create stories” and run with them day after day they could be categorized as lies, crude propaganda, or dangerous incitements to bomb threats and school closures.
We’re here to give you tools to counteract that burbling Communist nonsense.
Some of what you’ll learn in today’s session is how to take a word like “rhetoric” and beat it beyond recognition simply by repeating it endlessly in campaign speeches, on cable news shows (see CNN’s “Scott Jennings” for how it’s done), or wherever there’s opportunity to blame, for example, “the radical rhetoric on the left” for any and all ills of the country, certainly the two gun-related incidents perpetrated by addled Republicans (or so they say) against our leader. These events, in particular, demand that we reject any insidious, absurd, and unacceptable implications that it’s Trump’s hate-speech, xenophobia, misogyny, bigotry, fascism, threats, or criminal behavior that has anything to do with any of that.
Some members of MAGA are better at this than others (we’re super proud of JD’s improvement in the arena, and of course the Trump boys are rock stars). But don’t fret; we’ll have pull-out sessions after his lecture where you’ll be able to drill with the team on how to parse and parry useful phrases like, “childless women have nothing keeping them humble” (thank you, Sarah Huckabee, for that gem), or “no one is even trying to assassinate Biden/Kamala” (we give credit to both Elon and JD for that prize-winner… you can share, boys!). You’ll even learn tricks on how to bat back inconvenient truths and pesky facts pushed by liberal reporters and other Marxists fanatics.
Let’s face it, dear Red-Hatters, it’s not easy working toward a fascist state built on lies, disinformation, and bigotry when they relentlessly counteract with pussy stuff like joy, compassion, integrity, truth, and “we vote, we win” (HATE that one!). We’ve got to mobilize, march in step, and get our most essential talking points clarified and disseminated so all of us are on the same page, using the same words, pushing the same denials and deflections, and blaming the same enemies. There’s no time to waste, because if too many of them get wise to our strategy — those rabid Swifties, damn cat ladies and coddled youth activists; spineless Dem men, defected Trump staffers; Kamala-supporting scientists, economists, judges, generals, and union members — it’s possible they could actually steal this thing right out from under our jack-booted, goose-stepping feet, and that is not something we can tolerate.
So let’s all sit down, listen to the wisdom he has to impart; ignore the glaring fact that he’s as naked a despot as there ever was, and be good little foot soldiers in the march toward a demagogic dream of a total Trumpian tragedy — oops, we meant triumph!
Long live, Emperor Donald (damn … isn’t he cold up there?)!
